Your wellbeing in a separation: finding your stress points
" Knowing your fears also means you’re more aware of when your ex partner pushes your buttons and you can allow yourself to take a breath and come back from a place of knowledge and understanding of yourself, rather than from a place of fear. "
In a new series of blogs we’re turning our attention to well being. This can sometimes be a forgotten part of a separation but in times of stress and emotional upheaval looking after yourself is even more important. To find out when we’ll be going live to talk about these blogs like our Facebook page. We usually go live at 12 on Friday but sometimes diary arrangements mean this changes and there will be changes in April with the Easter weekend too.
In the first of this series we’re talking about finding your stress points. This might seem a little counter intuitive because most people like to avoid their stress points! But we mean being aware of what they are rather than pushing them. When you separate from a partner it’s natural to have many fears about the future. The future you had envisaged is changing and whilst change can be a good thing in the longer term, it can feel very scary looming up on the horizon – especially when you know there will be changes but you’re not quite sure what they are yet. It’s understandable that you feel worried about financial security, about where you’ll live and about your children (amongst other things)
It’s important to remember that whatever the outcome both of you need to have a roof over your head and to be able to make ends meet. This may not be in quite the way that you would like but a resolution is not a solution if it doesn’t ensure you are both housed and able to pay your bills.
Sorting out what are the little stresses from the big stresses is no mean feat. Often you find out what the big stresses are at 3 a.m because they’re the thoughts going round in your head that stop you sleeping. Why is this important? Because it’s often treading on subjects that are connected to the big stresses that causes us humans to react like a wounded tiger. The biggest arguments and difficulties faced by separating couples are usually the ones that pull on the strings of our deepest fears. This might be living on your own, or it might be having to return to work – or work more hours, or it might even be how other people will react.
It can feel overwhelming to dive into what is causing the most pain to you. We suggest limiting this so that you are not stuck in that place all day every day. But writing down the thoughts that are plaguing you in the night or what comments suddenly caused you to feel rigid with stress or set off that anxious feeling in your stomach are worth paying attention to – even if only for a short while. If you can name your fears then you can address them and ensuring any solution has support in place to alleviate your fears is likely to make it a much better one for you. Knowing your fears also means you’re more aware of when your ex partner pushes your buttons and you can allow yourself to take a breath and come back from a place of knowledge and understanding of yourself, rather than from a place of fear.
This stuff is not easy and we are very aware of that. That’s why in our next blog in this series we will be talking about getting what support you need. We’ll also be talking about giving support so if you’re someone supporting a friend or family member through a relationship breakdown you can offer them the most useful help.
If you’d like to get all our resources for helping you manage your separation direct into your inbox then sign up for our free mailing list. We also have a separate list for professionals working with separating couples. This includes resources for professionals to share with their clients and details of our forthcoming training workshops and networking events.
To watch the Facebook Live Louisa did on this subject have a look at the video below