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Should we stay together for the kids?

Posted by Nick Arora on 03 December 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

This is a topic that comes up in family mediation from time to time. We sometimes see a couple who recognise that their relationship is not working well and one has taken the decision to end it but the other felt they should have stayed together until the children left home so as not to ‘break up the family’. This… Read More »

What is a good divorce?

Posted by Nick Arora on 26 November 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

This is a particularly leading question for some of the people that come to us for family mediation. How on earth can a divorce ever be good we can hear people saying. Well sometimes both parties accept that the relationship has reached the end of the road and that it needs to end and they want to do it as… Read More »

Do you need a lawyer when you separate?

Posted by Nick Arora on 19 November 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

This is a question that we get asked a lot by clients that have come directly to family mediation rather than seeking advice from a lawyer first. Often both clients have come to the conclusion that their relationship has reached the end of the road at the same time. They want to maintain an amicable relationship and they have some… Read More »

They didn’t see the children that much anyway……….

Posted by Louisa on 12 November 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

Lots of the blog posts we put up come from conversations with clients or things we see a lot in family mediation.  We are always of the view that if one separating couple is struggling with someone then another separating couple may well be too and it would be helpful to put some guidance and support out there to help… Read More »

What’s new in 2019?

Posted by Louisa on 05 November 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

From the moment I set up LKW Family Mediation I have had an almost constant stream of ideas for things that would benefit clients and help with life after separation and coping with divorce.  I also wanted to assist other professionals to help clients too, and to understand more about family mediation.  The difficulty has always been having enough time… Read More »

Do you need therapy when you separate?

Posted by Louisa on 29 October 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

Talking about mental health issues is something that has been in the news a lot lately and this is important to help to reduce the stigma surrounding emotional and brain chemistry problems.  In mediation meetings we always like to know whether anyone has had counselling, whether they found it helpful, and whether they are open to trying this in the… Read More »

Why do people end up in court?

Posted by Louisa on 22 October 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

The family justice system is struggling with the number of people using the court system, a lack of judges, the demands on support services like CAFCASS and the unreasonable demands that many of those using the system have.  This means that by the time you have got to the first hearing in your application you could often have had at… Read More »

Arrangements for Children: Review and take stock

Posted by Louisa on 15 October 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

We have recently been doing a series of blogs focusing on how you can minimise the effects of your separation on your children.  Tip number 5 was to review the arrangements that you have made.  We suggest that you check in with each other regularly (say every 3 to 6 months depending on how long you think the arrangements need… Read More »

Stopping things turning nasty

Posted by Louisa on 08 October 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

When you separate from a partner there can be a whole myriad of emotions.  Anger, resentment and fear are common and it is sometimes from a place seeped with these emotions that each party reacts.  When you react from a place of anger or fear you can often be seen as being aggressive or threatening.  A defensive reaction is often… Read More »

Focusing on the children in a separation

Posted by Louisa on 01 October 2018 in categories: Blog , Family Mediation

In our list of tips to help parents minimise the effects of their separation on their children we have now reached tip three: making sure the arrangements are child centred.  As we have suggested before this might sound obvious but it’s important that your arrangements take into account the different needs your children have.   Talking to your children is… Read More »

In our list of tips to help parents minimise the effects of their separation on their children we have now reached tip three: making sure the arrangements are child centred.  As we have suggested before this might sound obvious but it’s important that your arrangements take into account the different needs your children have.

 

Talking to your children is key in this.  Sometimes parents worry about talking to their children following a separation:  they worry that they might say the wrong thing, or be accused of saying something unhelpful about the other person.  We often see parents who think their children are fine so they have said once or twice to their children “you know you can talk to me” and then left it at that.  There needs to be ongoing dialogue during and after a separation so you know what your children are concerned about, what they think is going well, and what they may like to change in the future.  This doesn’t have to be a ‘huge’ or serious or weighted discussion.  It can just be a shared moment over cooking in the kitchen, or driving somewhere in the car.  It can be a case of “are things OK for you?”.  Or “can you tell me how you think things are going from your end – is there anything you feel would work better for you”.  Often as adults we can get caught up in euphemisms and not be clear about what we’re saying.  Adults can understand talking in code but children often don’t and it’s best to just be really clear about what you’re talking about.  For example “I’m a bit worried you’re finding it hard to organise your stuff between two houses.  Is there anything dad and I can do to help you with this?”. Or “I’ve noticed you’re upset when you come back from your mum’s house.  Is there anything we can do to help with this?”.

 

The comments should be focused on how things can be made better or improved from the child’s perspective not apportioning blame on the other parent for anything that has happened as this is unlikely to encourage your child to be open.  It may make them fearful that it will cause an argument with the other parent over what has happened and so not be willing to talk.

 

You know your children best and you know what they are likely to need from changing arrangements as a result of their parents’ separation.  This may include a child who has autism who needs a very clear routine that they can easily understand about when they see each parent.  They may also need certain key items to always travel with them or to have two of each item.  Children may need certain things to be the same in each parent’s house.  You may have a child who has important exams coming up.  What arrangements will lessen the impact of any disruption on their revision schedule?  In this situation you may make interim arrangements for the exam period with a view to changing them later?  If you have very young children then they may need to see each parent often because face time or phone time won’t work for them and they need to see each parent regularly to maintain a close bond.  You know your children best and you know what makes them happy, calm and relaxed and what sends them into a tizz, and your arrangements will need to reflect this.

 

If you are concerned about how your children are coping then consider using the services of an expert to help you focus in on what might be happening for your child can exist.  This might include using a child psychologist to help, or a family therapist.  You should also speak to your child’s school or nursery to see what changes they may have picked up on.  They may be able to help and to direct you to any additional support that your child may be able to access at school or nursery.

 

Books such as Jack and Black Cat, or Mum and Dad Glue, can be a useful way of initiating discussion with children.  Younger children may ‘puddle jump’ too, being very upset about the separation one minute and then distracted by a bird, or television programme that has caught their eye the next minute.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t upset by what’s happening.  It’s just how their minds and attention span works currently.

 

There is also a charity called Voices in the Middle that helps to support young people whose parents are separating.

 

If you do feel that things aren’t working well for your children then addressing this as soon as possible is usually helpful.  This can be with an expert or through using a process like mediation to help you talk about what you can do for your children.

 

If you’d like to access or free resources for separation couples then please sign up to our mailing list.  If you’re a professional working with clients who separate then please sign up to our professionals mailing list.

 

Photo credit: ID 116350569 © Saksit Kuson | Dreamstime.com

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